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| so much has begun and so much is about to begin. cell group leader does not sound like title that i should have. any term that has the word "leader" in it seems too much for me. i almost want to be out of sight. i just want to do the right things... and i want to do them for the right reasons. i don't want attention; i don't want admiration, just friendship. i don't want the things i am supposed to do and want to do to be just good intentions. i want to be the person that gets the job done. all of these thoughts come before school even begins.
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| my grandparents' 50th anniversary is tomorrow. it baffles me how few marriages last that long. on another note, i got my hair cut today. and on yet another note, tech/ruston is only two days away. i have nothing packed. almost nothing planned. still there is much to do...
anywho, i got to talk to courtney yesterday and i think i unofficially, but hopefully, made plans to get some people together to go to s'port for some fun dam experiences. and then, maybe murrel's and maybe some other not quite as planned pit stops. not to forget breakfast, which is regretfully overlooked by me most of the time. fun is to come. | | |
| and it was great. i got to hang out with my brother, trevor, laura, and emily. josh showed up a little later. we all watched weekend at bernie's, what about bob, and, the camp favorite, the great outdoors. we also played a game called cadillac. all of it was great fun. i don't know what happened after we all got together but recently i have been getting the feeling that i don't know my brother as well i used to.
has anyone ever had the coming to terms with their father experience? you know the one when you figure out they don't have superpowers. the crushing feeling where it seems they haven't quite hit the mark and it catches you off guard. they are supposed to have it all figured out and then you find that they make mistakes, as well. i think that is the sensation i'm getting from my brother. i guess it's a testament of how cool my brother is to keep that persona in my mind for so long... but, i guess what i'm trying to say is, why does it seem that i am growing farther away from someone i held so dear?
changes in perception often deal with realizations you aren't ready for. | | |
| i think i have been changing the way i look at things in the past few days. i think one reason of why this is happening is because i'm reading "velvet elvis" by rob bell, "blue like jazz" by donald miller, "the new rebellion" selections from many good writers, and more of the bible. i hope that my perceptions of most things are changing for the better and i feel that they are.
i was reading the third chapter of velvet elvis the other day and i was trying to remember all of the times i had found some euphoric experience outside of church (and i don't mean by drugs because i've never done that kind of thing). what i realized was that there was many times that this had happened... and all of them were caused/created/meant to happen........ by God. when we find truth, we find God. hopefully my faith in God hasn't been limiting where i can see Him but embracing those experiences where ever i am. | | |
| i feel like i'm falling away from all of my friends, my family, and God. i'm as close as i've ever been to my parents but i never see them. i barely talk to my brother. i've been reading books about the bible and the bible more than i've ever done before and still feel far away. i don't know what it is but i'm glad that i get to see many friends soon at school. maybe it's a perspective issue but i want/need it to change... quickly. | | |
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